I am glad I am at home...it was the best decision for me. I have had several dreams since being at home of life still in Utah. The dreams are vivid and when I awake, I am still happy with the decision I have made.
The transition home has been just as abrupt as my transition there. I have kept up a semi regular workout routine but have had a challenge getting my nutrition in line. I think this is probably normal. In Utah, we had very little control over our food...it was handed to us...no decisions on our part. Now I am at home and it is, once again, in my hands.
I have spent quality time with my parents and that has been good. Dad is getting ready to enter another "marathon" in his life and mom continues to be his number one support system...along with my oldest brother. It feels right to be closer geographically to them during this time. Keep your prayers coming...we are believing and hoping for the best treatment, the best doctors, and God's total will in this process. :)
This week I have begun reading a book by Geneen Roth called "When Food is Love". This book explores the relationship between eating and intimacy. So far, the book talks about how unhealthy eating behavior is often linked to things we learn in childhood...and how we often can use food as a way to meet our need for and desire for real intimacy and love. Haven't gotten too far in the book, but what I have read so far truly resonates within me. I am asking God to walk through this process with me and to heal areas in my life that continue to drive me toward a destructive relationship with food. I will try and keep you all posted.
Meanwhile, there is an aproaching date coming up that I need to stay focused upon. The date is September 6th. On that day my sister and i will join one of her friends and we will participate in the Sandy Hook, NJ Danskin Women's Triathlon. It is a sprint distance triathlon especially for beginners. The event involves swimming a half mile, riding a bicycle for 12 miles and then running/jogging/walking a 5k. I have done a similar Danskin in Austin several years ago and it was an unbelievable experience. Hopefully, knowing that this is on the radar...I will keep up with the workouts.
Ok everyone, guess that is it for now. Hope you are all well. Get out there and move and try to choose food that doesn't have a lot of things you can't spell listed on the ingredients label. :)
Love ya...
Friday, July 2, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Got What I Came For And Am Heading Home
Hey Everyone!!
I have decided to head back to Texas on Sunday, day after tomorrow. My original plan was to come here for two weeks...and then I had changed my mind before coming...thinking I would stay three.
I came here because I needed to get a different perspective. One of my goals for coming here was to get a "Jump Start" and fresh perspective on getting into a fitness routine. I needed to leave my comfort zone and trust in something bigger than myself. I needed to be pushed beyond what I thought was possible, in the physical workout realm. And most of all, I needed to break through the false thinking I had adopted from experiencing so much diet and relapse failure.
God has used this time in Utah in many ways. I no longer believe I cannot workout hard because I am so over weight. I no longer believe I have to eat a ton of food if I am going to workout hard. I no longer believe I am too out of shape to go on adventures. I no longer believe that my body is worn out...it is amazingly adaptable and desires to be healthy. In these two short weeks I have grown stronger and stronger and have lost some fat in the process. I am beginning to feel at peace again in my body. That is a true gift. Thank You Lord!!!
I plan on continuting my blog...even after I get home. I believe this journey has just begun...and the higher peaks to climb will happen in my day to day life back home.
It still takes at least 21 days to start a new habit and get away from old ones. I am on day 13 right now. Change is not easy...nothing worth doing ever is...I am hopeful and so very grateful for what I have been given today...
Blessings everyone...more to come...
I have decided to head back to Texas on Sunday, day after tomorrow. My original plan was to come here for two weeks...and then I had changed my mind before coming...thinking I would stay three.
I came here because I needed to get a different perspective. One of my goals for coming here was to get a "Jump Start" and fresh perspective on getting into a fitness routine. I needed to leave my comfort zone and trust in something bigger than myself. I needed to be pushed beyond what I thought was possible, in the physical workout realm. And most of all, I needed to break through the false thinking I had adopted from experiencing so much diet and relapse failure.
God has used this time in Utah in many ways. I no longer believe I cannot workout hard because I am so over weight. I no longer believe I have to eat a ton of food if I am going to workout hard. I no longer believe I am too out of shape to go on adventures. I no longer believe that my body is worn out...it is amazingly adaptable and desires to be healthy. In these two short weeks I have grown stronger and stronger and have lost some fat in the process. I am beginning to feel at peace again in my body. That is a true gift. Thank You Lord!!!
I plan on continuting my blog...even after I get home. I believe this journey has just begun...and the higher peaks to climb will happen in my day to day life back home.
It still takes at least 21 days to start a new habit and get away from old ones. I am on day 13 right now. Change is not easy...nothing worth doing ever is...I am hopeful and so very grateful for what I have been given today...
Blessings everyone...more to come...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Climb Every Mountain...
I did it!! Thanks God!! Thanks heart and lungs and legs and abs and...
I have been dreading hikes because they have been so incredibly challenging for me. I was afraid of turning my ankles, my knees would hurt, the altitude would kill me...basically it was just a chore to endure. I only liked it when I was standing still and taking in the scenery. Well, today something different happened.
We had a really tough morning workout AGAIN and after lunch I really didn't want to go attempt another hike. But I was encouraged by others, by God and by myself (yes, I am learning to encourage, myself...).And so agreed to go. And I can tell you that I was a bit fearful on our drive out and up. (You see, hikes are optional most times. We are encouraged to challenge ourselves and sometimes some just are not up
for it and/or are not ready for it.)But somehow I just "let go" and went for it. And you know what happened? I had a great time. My feet knew what to do, I felt strong, my lungs had plenty of oxygen...I felt strong and full of childlike wonder. As I stooped down to reach into a snow melt spring, I slipped and took a plung and I just laughed. It was just what I needed...refreshment from high above...just for me. :)
I couldn't have done it on my own today. God supplied a great hiking buddy for me. He was like my "shephard". He walked directly in front of me. I simply followed in his footsteps and I had no fear whatsover about harming my ankles or my knees. As he he walked ahead, he spoke to me the whole way...all about his life, his experiences, what this journey has been like for him...we hiked and hiked and climbled and climbled...we were in step and having a blast. This friend on the trail gave me a living example of what it is supposed to be like for those of us who say we know Jesus. Jesus said that He is our shephard. He said that His sheep hear His voice and follow Him. Well today, that took on a deeper meaning. When He leads, He makes the way not only possible and do-able...but a whole lot of fun as well!! :)
Today represents my halfway point of this journey and I HAD FUN HIKING IN THE MOUNTAINS!!!
Thanks Lord for being my shephard...for walking before me every step of my life...for lighting my path and for going before me...for sharing Your Life with me along the way...and for keeping me so safe in Your care. You are awesome!!!
I have been dreading hikes because they have been so incredibly challenging for me. I was afraid of turning my ankles, my knees would hurt, the altitude would kill me...basically it was just a chore to endure. I only liked it when I was standing still and taking in the scenery. Well, today something different happened.
We had a really tough morning workout AGAIN and after lunch I really didn't want to go attempt another hike. But I was encouraged by others, by God and by myself (yes, I am learning to encourage, myself...).And so agreed to go. And I can tell you that I was a bit fearful on our drive out and up. (You see, hikes are optional most times. We are encouraged to challenge ourselves and sometimes some just are not up
for it and/or are not ready for it.)But somehow I just "let go" and went for it. And you know what happened? I had a great time. My feet knew what to do, I felt strong, my lungs had plenty of oxygen...I felt strong and full of childlike wonder. As I stooped down to reach into a snow melt spring, I slipped and took a plung and I just laughed. It was just what I needed...refreshment from high above...just for me. :)
I couldn't have done it on my own today. God supplied a great hiking buddy for me. He was like my "shephard". He walked directly in front of me. I simply followed in his footsteps and I had no fear whatsover about harming my ankles or my knees. As he he walked ahead, he spoke to me the whole way...all about his life, his experiences, what this journey has been like for him...we hiked and hiked and climbled and climbled...we were in step and having a blast. This friend on the trail gave me a living example of what it is supposed to be like for those of us who say we know Jesus. Jesus said that He is our shephard. He said that His sheep hear His voice and follow Him. Well today, that took on a deeper meaning. When He leads, He makes the way not only possible and do-able...but a whole lot of fun as well!! :)
Today represents my halfway point of this journey and I HAD FUN HIKING IN THE MOUNTAINS!!!
Thanks Lord for being my shephard...for walking before me every step of my life...for lighting my path and for going before me...for sharing Your Life with me along the way...and for keeping me so safe in Your care. You are awesome!!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Amazing What a Week Can Do
This time last week, my mindset was, "Oh Lord, what have I gotten myself into? Can I do this and survive?" I seriously had fear before each early morning workout...wondering how I could ever make it through it and make the long walk back. Today, somehow, my thoughts were more like, "How can I work harder during this workout...how can I leave it all on the field?
The human body is an amazing thing. Already, my body is adjusting and adapting and actually wanting to work harder and harder. It is rather miraculous.
This morning was legs day and we all gave it all we had before breakfast. Immediately after breakfast we had a pool workout...I had to exit the pool because I had cramps in both legs so bad I could hardly climb out of the pool. This happened because I had already burned my legs out and didn't have anything left. It felt great to work hard and, with the help of my trainers, I got the cramps to calm down. At some point I remember telling one of the trainers how frustrating it was to have to stop with cramps. She really reframed it for me..."Susan, this is nothing...this is just cramps...you don't have to be frustrated..."
Today's group session with the therapist was really good. We talked about learning to have mastery over our emotions...so that our emotions don't rule us...and end up giving us messages to eat when we really are not physically hungry. There are several steps to gaining mastery. I will probably elaborate on those more later.What stood out to me most today was that fear is one of the main things that bogs us down...and that when we really stop and take a look at what we are afraid of...most of the stuff we find is actually not even real. This really hit me. Another thing that hit me was the discussion that most of the time when we say we are feeling "stressed" we are really feeling "fear" of something. So, the next time I am feeling stressed, I am going to stop and ask myself, "Susan, what are you afraid of?" I am going to let God's truth speak to me about fear. He says a lot about that, you know. Stuff like "perfect love casts out fear" and "be anxious for nothing" and lots of other real stuff. Basically it goes like this...untruths or unknowns or false assumptions cause fears, fears cause stress, stress causes discomfort, no one likes to be uncomfortable, food offers a quick short-term relief or distraction...over eating occurs. I like this scenario better= life happens, fear pops up, I ask God to shed light upon what I am afraid of, He sends it fleeing or gives me courage to face the real thing that is scary, I let go of the fear and stress and relax in the understanding AND EXPERIENCE of HIM HOLDING me...I let Him feed me with what I really need...I don't go to food for something food cannot really satisfy. Oh how I long to put this understanding into action...please help me Lord...I know He will and already does. :)
The people here are great. Everyone has their own stories but we are all alike in so many ways. It is truly a gift to be here...to really allow myself to be...to be...right here...right now...and to learn to be aware of all that God has to show me. I know I am only picking up small pieces of all He is showering upon me...but the stuff I see so far is amazing...He is so good, isn't He? :)
The human body is an amazing thing. Already, my body is adjusting and adapting and actually wanting to work harder and harder. It is rather miraculous.
This morning was legs day and we all gave it all we had before breakfast. Immediately after breakfast we had a pool workout...I had to exit the pool because I had cramps in both legs so bad I could hardly climb out of the pool. This happened because I had already burned my legs out and didn't have anything left. It felt great to work hard and, with the help of my trainers, I got the cramps to calm down. At some point I remember telling one of the trainers how frustrating it was to have to stop with cramps. She really reframed it for me..."Susan, this is nothing...this is just cramps...you don't have to be frustrated..."
Today's group session with the therapist was really good. We talked about learning to have mastery over our emotions...so that our emotions don't rule us...and end up giving us messages to eat when we really are not physically hungry. There are several steps to gaining mastery. I will probably elaborate on those more later.What stood out to me most today was that fear is one of the main things that bogs us down...and that when we really stop and take a look at what we are afraid of...most of the stuff we find is actually not even real. This really hit me. Another thing that hit me was the discussion that most of the time when we say we are feeling "stressed" we are really feeling "fear" of something. So, the next time I am feeling stressed, I am going to stop and ask myself, "Susan, what are you afraid of?" I am going to let God's truth speak to me about fear. He says a lot about that, you know. Stuff like "perfect love casts out fear" and "be anxious for nothing" and lots of other real stuff. Basically it goes like this...untruths or unknowns or false assumptions cause fears, fears cause stress, stress causes discomfort, no one likes to be uncomfortable, food offers a quick short-term relief or distraction...over eating occurs. I like this scenario better= life happens, fear pops up, I ask God to shed light upon what I am afraid of, He sends it fleeing or gives me courage to face the real thing that is scary, I let go of the fear and stress and relax in the understanding AND EXPERIENCE of HIM HOLDING me...I let Him feed me with what I really need...I don't go to food for something food cannot really satisfy. Oh how I long to put this understanding into action...please help me Lord...I know He will and already does. :)
The people here are great. Everyone has their own stories but we are all alike in so many ways. It is truly a gift to be here...to really allow myself to be...to be...right here...right now...and to learn to be aware of all that God has to show me. I know I am only picking up small pieces of all He is showering upon me...but the stuff I see so far is amazing...He is so good, isn't He? :)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Still Here....
First off, thanks again for all of the words of encouragement I am receiving. You all are great!!!
I was a little discouraged this morning when at "weigh in" I had only lost 7 pounds. My trainers think that is great but my brain was thinking, "you have got to be kidding me...7 lbs after all of the almost-blood, sweat and tears?" They had to remind me not to let the scale be my baromater. I have lost inches...I have gained muscle....and I have lost fat.
So it isn't the big numbers that I hoped for after watching episode after episode of Biggest Loser. I don't know what they are doing on that program...I can't imagine working out more than we do here and eating less....hmmmm
I have to keep remembering that this is a process. I have to remember that change is hard and takes deciding each day to do the healthy things AND repitition (actually doing the healthy things). I have to let my brain have the time to create new pathways or habits...I have to let my body have the time to adjust to the demands set upon it now and trust this wonderful human body (which Abba Father has magnificantly created and given to each of us) to let go of what it no longer needs and to build strength and endurance and health. Our bodies want to be healthy. Our muscles want to move and grow. If I can learn to trust this "temple" He has given me because His Spirit resides in me...then I can learn to listen to it and give it what it needs to flourish.
A great and dear friend of mine sent me out here with a letter I was to open upon my arrival. I have it posted in my room where I can see it every day. I try to read it each ime I am getting ready to head out the door. It basically says that she believes I will "show up, suit up and do my bst...this is all any of us need to do to complete our journeys"...this has sort of become my theme.
So, with God's faithfulness, the incredible crowd of supporters...this is what I have done and hope to continue to do. I will continue to show up for each workout, be ready and open to learn and change, and do my best. So far, this is what I have done. Let the scales say what they say...right?
I am learning to eat intuitively (only when I am physically hungry and only until satisfied) and to do workouts with intention( being present, aware, focused on each muscle group I am working). I think being intuitive has to do with living by faith...walking in His Spirit and living with intention has to do with being His disciple 24-7...know where I am, Who's I am, and what He would have me focus on.
Isn't it amazing how everything is connected...everything is like a metaphor to something even more important.
I miss so much sometimes just becuase I don't pause, take a minute, and decide to live in the present...where He is...
blessings yall...:)
"
I was a little discouraged this morning when at "weigh in" I had only lost 7 pounds. My trainers think that is great but my brain was thinking, "you have got to be kidding me...7 lbs after all of the almost-blood, sweat and tears?" They had to remind me not to let the scale be my baromater. I have lost inches...I have gained muscle....and I have lost fat.
So it isn't the big numbers that I hoped for after watching episode after episode of Biggest Loser. I don't know what they are doing on that program...I can't imagine working out more than we do here and eating less....hmmmm
I have to keep remembering that this is a process. I have to remember that change is hard and takes deciding each day to do the healthy things AND repitition (actually doing the healthy things). I have to let my brain have the time to create new pathways or habits...I have to let my body have the time to adjust to the demands set upon it now and trust this wonderful human body (which Abba Father has magnificantly created and given to each of us) to let go of what it no longer needs and to build strength and endurance and health. Our bodies want to be healthy. Our muscles want to move and grow. If I can learn to trust this "temple" He has given me because His Spirit resides in me...then I can learn to listen to it and give it what it needs to flourish.
A great and dear friend of mine sent me out here with a letter I was to open upon my arrival. I have it posted in my room where I can see it every day. I try to read it each ime I am getting ready to head out the door. It basically says that she believes I will "show up, suit up and do my bst...this is all any of us need to do to complete our journeys"...this has sort of become my theme.
So, with God's faithfulness, the incredible crowd of supporters...this is what I have done and hope to continue to do. I will continue to show up for each workout, be ready and open to learn and change, and do my best. So far, this is what I have done. Let the scales say what they say...right?
I am learning to eat intuitively (only when I am physically hungry and only until satisfied) and to do workouts with intention( being present, aware, focused on each muscle group I am working). I think being intuitive has to do with living by faith...walking in His Spirit and living with intention has to do with being His disciple 24-7...know where I am, Who's I am, and what He would have me focus on.
Isn't it amazing how everything is connected...everything is like a metaphor to something even more important.
I miss so much sometimes just becuase I don't pause, take a minute, and decide to live in the present...where He is...
blessings yall...:)
"
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Father's Day Dad
Ok, I am back. I had a nice birthday yesterday. Thanks for all the calls and texts and emails and comments and well wishes and prayers. You all are great!!!
Things are going well. Have had some down time this weekend to rest and recover...they say this next week is going to be a tough workout one. Hmmm...I wonder what they call what we just went through. You mean it can get tougher? Wow!!
Just got back from a church service with one of my friends from here. It was ok...you know how you always prefer you own church service...and when you are visiting somewhere else it even makes you like your own even better...well that is what happened. But one great thing about the service was its emphasis on Father's Day...and everyone who knows me knows how much I love my dad. He is great!! I hope and pray he is having a great day...full of fun...full of love...full of getting to see family who loves him.
My dad has had a tough couple of years...it is like he is in a marathon of physical challenges...he doesn't give up...he has taught his kids not to give up either...I am so grateful for him. When I think of him and his challenges, mine seem to be so small. Thanks Dad!!!
It is beautiful here once again. After lunch it is off for a long walk to a movie theatre. Then this evening we may hop a train and go explore downtown Salt Lake City. We did find out there is a bike shop near by so we may rent some bikes next weekend and go exploring more...
Ok, guess that is it for now. Thanks again for all the prayers and messages...you all are great. I lean on them more then you know during the week...
Things are going well. Have had some down time this weekend to rest and recover...they say this next week is going to be a tough workout one. Hmmm...I wonder what they call what we just went through. You mean it can get tougher? Wow!!
Just got back from a church service with one of my friends from here. It was ok...you know how you always prefer you own church service...and when you are visiting somewhere else it even makes you like your own even better...well that is what happened. But one great thing about the service was its emphasis on Father's Day...and everyone who knows me knows how much I love my dad. He is great!! I hope and pray he is having a great day...full of fun...full of love...full of getting to see family who loves him.
My dad has had a tough couple of years...it is like he is in a marathon of physical challenges...he doesn't give up...he has taught his kids not to give up either...I am so grateful for him. When I think of him and his challenges, mine seem to be so small. Thanks Dad!!!
It is beautiful here once again. After lunch it is off for a long walk to a movie theatre. Then this evening we may hop a train and go explore downtown Salt Lake City. We did find out there is a bike shop near by so we may rent some bikes next weekend and go exploring more...
Ok, guess that is it for now. Thanks again for all the prayers and messages...you all are great. I lean on them more then you know during the week...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Ups and Down...Guess this is Normal
After my very emotional and difficult Tuesday night, I had a great day on Wednesday. The workouts were all very tough but I was able to stay challenged by them and not feel defeated. I think it was great to get some rest...perhaps that is why I was able to enjoy yesterday so much.
Today has been a long day and good in many ways. We went on another mountain hike which was tough on my knees but great on my eyes...the views were magnificant. I think any Texan would love being able to walk in 40-50 degree temperature while gazing at snow-capped mountains in the middle of June. It is GREAT!!!
We had another group session with our therapist. It was really good...all about staying in touch with ourselves...staying aware...learning or relearning to trust the wonderful interworkings of these human bodies God has created. If we listen to our bodies...they really will tell us when to eat and what, when to rest, when to take time away to listen clearly to God...and when to get up and move, move, move.
So many of us who have spent most of our lives so focused on dieting or weightloss that we have lost touch with trusting what God has already given us. We start looking for fads or doctors or trainers or... to tell us how to live in a healthy way. It doesn't have to be that complicated, does it? Food doesn't have to mean more than fuel...it really can be that simple.
Did you know that bad habits actually become biological...actually become part of our brain's wiring? Our actions, thoughts, beliefs all have these neurological pathways that because of repitition get kind of carved into our brain's make up. In order to change our bad habits, faulty beliefs,unhealthy thinking...we have to start building new pathways in our brains. And that takes Deciding and Repition. Deciding to do something different and then doing the healthy thing again and again and again. Research has shown that it takes anywhere from 21 days to 66 days to really get a start on a new pattern being formed in the brain. When we choose to not repeat the new habit, our brain automatically defaults back to the old pattern. That explains a lot, I think.
Anyway, I know this isn't new for all of my therapist friends out there. This coginitive behavioral stuff is "old hat"...we talk about it all the time. Guess it takes me back to perspective again. Hearing it here in this place, as part of this process...is like hearing it for the first time. :)
Ok, I gotta go spin and swim and then I have my first massage tonight. :)
Hope you all are doing well...thanks for cheering for me...
Today has been a long day and good in many ways. We went on another mountain hike which was tough on my knees but great on my eyes...the views were magnificant. I think any Texan would love being able to walk in 40-50 degree temperature while gazing at snow-capped mountains in the middle of June. It is GREAT!!!
We had another group session with our therapist. It was really good...all about staying in touch with ourselves...staying aware...learning or relearning to trust the wonderful interworkings of these human bodies God has created. If we listen to our bodies...they really will tell us when to eat and what, when to rest, when to take time away to listen clearly to God...and when to get up and move, move, move.
So many of us who have spent most of our lives so focused on dieting or weightloss that we have lost touch with trusting what God has already given us. We start looking for fads or doctors or trainers or... to tell us how to live in a healthy way. It doesn't have to be that complicated, does it? Food doesn't have to mean more than fuel...it really can be that simple.
Did you know that bad habits actually become biological...actually become part of our brain's wiring? Our actions, thoughts, beliefs all have these neurological pathways that because of repitition get kind of carved into our brain's make up. In order to change our bad habits, faulty beliefs,unhealthy thinking...we have to start building new pathways in our brains. And that takes Deciding and Repition. Deciding to do something different and then doing the healthy thing again and again and again. Research has shown that it takes anywhere from 21 days to 66 days to really get a start on a new pattern being formed in the brain. When we choose to not repeat the new habit, our brain automatically defaults back to the old pattern. That explains a lot, I think.
Anyway, I know this isn't new for all of my therapist friends out there. This coginitive behavioral stuff is "old hat"...we talk about it all the time. Guess it takes me back to perspective again. Hearing it here in this place, as part of this process...is like hearing it for the first time. :)
Ok, I gotta go spin and swim and then I have my first massage tonight. :)
Hope you all are doing well...thanks for cheering for me...
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